


Nothing Matters in the End

by TheBestFallDown



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Fear, M/M, Mild Language, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-03-30 15:58:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBestFallDown/pseuds/TheBestFallDown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light has fled to the United States to try to make his own way at a foreign university.  However, he can't escape the shadow of his father or the negativity in his own heart.  L is a career student, jumping from major to major aimlessly and without reason.  He is unable to overcome his own lack of purpose.  The two come together in an attempt to find what really matters in this world.<br/>College AU featuring some mild language and eventual sexual content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. False

**Author's Note:**

> This work is one of love, as Death Note remains my favorite of all fictional works. The relationship between L and Light has always fascinated me, and I hope I can come close to representing what it truly could have been. Constructive criticism is always accepted and I appreciate your comments.

     It was raining outside and Light was sick of it. It always rained on the worst possible days. Cold, damp and altogether in a foul mood, he ran as quickly as he could up the stairs to his apartment. Today,as he did many days silently to himself, he cursed the ill luck that placed him on the third floor. He reached the stairs not out of breath but miffed at having had to exert energy so fruitlessly. The young man sighed. He reached for his keys, nearly dropping them as he fumbled with his frigid fingers, finally succeeding in making his way inside.

     After reaching the safety of his home, Light finally allowed himself to drop his smile. True, he had been suffering and generally pissed off outside, but something in him couldn't help but keep up appearances around others. Years of being perfect had taken their toll on him. He could not feel safe in the presence of other people without appearing genial and overall a friendly and normal guy. But if he was being completely honest with himself, Light was tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of faking conversations and laughing at the mundane. Light craved something more than what this world had to offer.

     Perhaps this is what had driven him to abandon Japan and take up residence in the altogether foreign United States. Was it reckless and stupid? Absolutely. Most days Light kicked himself for ever giving up the prestigious Japanese universities of his home country and leaving his family behind. Light had thought that moving to a new place would allow himself to discover his true potential. _What a fucking joke_ , thought Light. _Nothing changes. No matter what side of the world you end up on, people are dull and I'm still the same useless person I was when I lived in Japan. At least there I had friends._ But this was simply not true. There was no one that Light could truly consider a friend. He was lying to himself, lying like he always did. Lying was what Light did best. He had been lying since he could talk. He was never a terribly bad child, but there was something in him that compelled him to tell little lies. Perhaps it was the small rush of pleasure he got from fooling those around him. Light was already smarter than everyone he knew. This was no boasting on his part, but simply a fact he had come to accept. Superiority on the basis of knowledge was no feat for Light, but lying gave him a satisfaction that no other act did.

     And yet it was this desire to fool others that was causing him so much stress at this particular moment. For Light was lying to the whole world, showing a happy and carefree face when in reality he was dying. _Don't be so melodramatic you idiot._ Light scoffed at himself for getting carried away in his internal monologue and gently removed his shoes. He shook out his hair and headed towards the kitchen for some tea. Rain continued to fall outside, and Light was attempting to focus on more concrete matters. Like what homework to dive into first. Another sigh escaped before Light could stifle it. He had no idea what he was even doing pursuing Criminal Justice. Try as he might, he couldn't escape the expectations of his father. He hand't told him what he was studying in school. In fact, he hadn't told him anything since he called him after landing in LA. Sure, Soichiro had called and emailed and tried every method he could think of to contact his son. Light had read and ignored all these attempts. There was no reason to look back. And yet the young man still couldn't bring himself to completely cut ties with his old life.

     There was evidence of Japan spread around Light's small apartment. A picture of him and his younger sister Sayu. A few imported snacks. A book written by his father. Ignoring these few relics, Light's apartment was...sparse, to say the least. The art adorning the walls were simple pieces bought at upscale interior decorating stores, consisting of pale and inconsequential shapes and figures. The kitchen was neat, containing only a small teapot on the stove and a rack for cups. As Light moved to his bedroom, he casually glanced over the bookshelves that lined it. Now that he was older, he cared a bit less about appearing odd for only collecting books. Other things were inconsequential.

     Though he still put up appearances in his living and kitchen areas for the rare visitor, in his room he allowed himself to truly do as he pleased. Doing this included reading for hours, laying in the same position and pausing not even for a drink until he had fully absorbed the topic before him. Though most things in his life had become dull to him, he found that there was always new information to be discovered. Light had books on almost everything imaginable. Forestry, cooking, plumbing, all books contained wells of knowledge that Light simply couldn't resist. Though he very rarely applied any of this to the real world, he couldn't help but store it all away. It made him feel like he was really doing something with himself. It wasn't grand or important, but rather selfish. Light didn't care. Light enjoyed being selfish. After all, he was all he had now, so why not focus on himself?

     Light lowered himself onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. Hours of learning lay before him, and though he still felt a twinge of anger at himself for devoting so much time to the study of criminals, he was mostly overcome with a joyful anticipation at the thought of reading up on new cases and crimes. As he hoisted himself up to a seated position, Light looked to the left, glancing out his window at a somewhat peculiar sight. A man, who appeared to be a bit older than Light, was staring into the sky. Rain fell on his face, drenching his unkempt black hair and running down his clothes. His pale shirt was soaked through, but nothing seemed to faze this man. He simply continued to stare into the cloudy display overhead, no apparent expression on his face. Others hurrying into their apartments cast him a quick worried glance and moved towards safety in a more hurried fashion. _What an idiot,_ thought Light. _People need to think about their own well being._ And with that, he began to read.


	2. Lost

     L barely felt the cold anymore. He had simply come outside to collect his mail when he got lost staring into the sky. The rain began to fall without him even noticing. Something about the way the clouds moved together, creating a dusky and dismal canopy, spoke to him. He couldn't help but feel somewhat at peace. Well, as at peace as his mind would let him be. _They're staring at you._ L had not looked for some time, and yet his mind let him know that he was acting in a way that drew attention to himself. L sighed and lowered his eyes. There was no point in acknowledging the others in the area. He began to shuffle away from his post, feeling the water soak through his jeans and shirt. As he ran up the stairs he felt as though the rain had penetrated into his heart, making him weary. L pushed open his door and nudged it closed behind him. _You didn't even get the mail._ Of course he hadn't.

     L did not want to face going downstairs again for fear of looking even more strange to his neighbors. Not that being different bothered him terribly much. A person did have their limits though. Ever since he could remember, L had been on the fringes of life. An observer. An outcast. He had a knack for picking up new skills very quickly and absorbing all the information related to new subjects. He did this so quickly that others recoiled from him. It was unnatural. And L was unnatural. His skin was pale, almost too pale to be human. His eyes were sunken and tired, his hair an unkempt raven mess. His clothes were strange, his diet was appalling, and his sleep schedule was almost nonexistent. He knew these traits of his were not normal, not something that others could understand. _Not that they would care to._

     L had been alone for a very long time. It could be said that from the moment he was born, he had no one to rely on. His mother died shortly after giving birth, his father had never been in the picture. He had been shuffled to several foster homes all throughout Britain, though none kept him for very long. He was simply too strange. L could recall one particular instance, where an exceptionally unhappy couple had locked him in the doghouse for fear of him. L had been five years old at the time. Though that family had been overly nasty to him, there were more subtle ways that L knew he was unwanted. Being mentioned last. The wrong name being said. Receiving a cheap and thoughtless gift while others were doted on. But the most profound of these methods was being ignored. Passed over.

     He had gotten used to this sort of behavior in regards to himself. L had learned at an early age that he was all he could truly depend on. The world would not love him and accept him, and so he had to strive to make himself the best that he could be. He consumed every bit of knowledge he could. He mastered several skills, including various martial arts, piano, ceramics, origami, fencing, every possible skill he could reasonably learn he attempted and trained in. Repetition was his friend. At some points he only felt peace when he was lost in learning. He was particularly fond of working with things that related to numbers and patterns, like music and chess. These things were easy. They made sense. And they made him feel like he knew what he was doing. Like he was in control.

     The man sighed and moved his way to the kitchen to prepare some tea. L had a very elaborate array of teas, laid out in a very specific arrangement that made no sense to an outside observer. But to L they were in perfect order. He selected a green tea and began to heat the water. _What are you going to do about that homework?_ he thought to himself. _Which class are you closest to failing?_ L had a system in place for his classes. He would maintain a C by doing only the bare minimum required. It's not that L didn't enjoy learning. He did. He just saw no reason to give his all when no one truly appreciated it. Professors would simply stamp an A on good work and call it a day, not looking into what was behind the words.  L attended every class, and sat with rapt attention. He lived for the facts and theories he learned, never missing a word spoken. He just never showed the world what he was capable of.

     He was a bit of an infamous character on campus. He had graduated with several degrees, and yet never left school. There was always something new pulling him in. He had to learn everything. Professors would discuss him, wondering why such a mediocre man kept getting so many degrees. Occasionally he would really try on an essay, and it would be written off as a fluke. No one ever followed up on him. They simply discussed his oddness and quickly moved on. L didn't even know why he tried. At least he felt content while learning.

     L took his tea and moved to his room. Sparse would be an understatement concerning the decor. A simple bed with rumpled sheets and desk with an elaborate computer were all that were present. L sat at his desk and prepared the words he would throw at the screen. His essay was already written, it simply needed to be physically typed. Five pages was nothing. L absentmindedly glanced out his window as he waited for the system to boot up, and noticed a young man staring out the window. He did not notice L, he was simply gazing into the steadily falling rain. He was younger than L, appeared to be a sophomore or junior. His hair and clothing were neat, almost too neat for someone who was in the comfort of their own home. L stared at the young man for a very long minute, trying to deduce what he could about him. He was neat, that much was apparent, studious, and...cold. _What does that word have to do with anything_ thought L. But cold fit somehow. Like he was lost and removed, like he didn't care. Or like he couldn't care. L shook himself from his analysis and got to work. _He looks like he needs to relax and let loose._ L chuckled at himself for throwing advice at a stranger that he never followed himself.


	3. Gaze

     The rain had not let up. Light briskly walked towards class, cursing himself for not buying an umbrella. He would most definitely be picking one up today. He would be late for his class. Well, not technically late, but Light usually arrived at least twenty minutes early for every class at a minimum. He just couldn't shake old habits of being perfect and presentable. Unfortunately today he had met with more traffic than anticipated and as a result it had taken him longer to arrive on campus. He picked up his step as he saw the criminology building. Coffee firmly held in hand, Light found his way inside the building and quickly seated himself in class. Unfortunately, as a result of arriving far later than his usual he had lost his seat at the front of the class. As he surveyed the area, he realized that nearly every available chair had filled up. Just great.  
     Light cursed quietly to himself and moved to one of the few open places in the back. As he was unpacking his bags a few more students dragged themselves inside along with the professor. As they settled in and the lecture began Light found himself distracted by someone sitting towards the front. He couldn't see his face, just a mass of unruly hair. It was not his unkempt nature that attracted Light's attention. This guy just...didn't move. At all. Since he had taken his seat the man had not moved one muscle. His attention was firmly placed towards the lecturer, and did not waver or move no matter the change in tone or topic. To call it unsettling was an understatement. Light found himself moving back to this man, looking for signs of change in posture. _Nothing. How is that possible? What is this guy's deal?_ Light kept looking for something, some sign that the man was living, breathing, human.  
     Before he knew it, class had ended and Light realized with some alarm that he had retained none of what had been covered. Light remained transfixed on the man. He was somewhat relieved to see that the man could indeed move as he got up to leave. As he turned, Light caught a glimpse of his face. A flash of familiarity washed over Light. Where have I seen him before? As the man finished fully turning towards the door his eyes met briefly with Light's. They were dark, almost unnaturally so. Light was taken aback by the image of his face. It was drained, haunted, dark. There were circles under his eyes that looked like they came from years of sleeplessness. Light was overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness while looking into his eyes. The other man held his gaze, and for all Light perceived the world stopped. While the exchange lasted for what could have only been a few seconds, it felt to Light as if it had lasted for hours. He could not bring himself to look away.  
Eventually, the other man broke contact and shuffled out of the class. Light was confused at his inability to control himself. _What the hell was that?_ Light had been drawn in by what he saw, and it disturbed him. Light did not care much for or about other people. They were simply unremarkable by and large and Light saw no use in engaging with them. This was not to say that he didn't have "friends". It was important to appear normal, to make connections with others that could prove fortuitous in the future. In fact, Light had often been given the mantle of "popular". However, Light could not recall a single person that had made a meaningful impact on his life. And no one had, with a simple gaze, aroused such a deep reaction in him before. No one.  
     Light shook himself back to the present and packed up his supplies. He grimaced at his empty notebook. He was upset at himself for failing to take any notes and for being distracted by another person. Ready to leave, he hurriedly exited the class. He put his head down and entered the rain, pushing through and trying to forget the experience he had just had. He passed the man as he turned towards home, and though he tried to stop himself he found that he yet again turned towards the other, searching for that face. And as he watched the upturned face gazing into the rain, he realized where he had seen that face before. And yet again, he was transfixed. Trapped.   He managed to pull himself away and hurried back to his apartment.


	4. Strange

    The lecture today had been rather lackluster. L found himself almost losing focus a few times, tempted to stare out into space and ruminate on other topics. However, L had a knack for zeroing in and could always bring his mind back to topic before it had fully wandered. This was another of his strange quirks. Though many, especially students, would kill for the opportunity to not drift off during class, to L it was merely second nature. There was nothing special about devoting all your energy to one thing. Though he contained extraordinary control over his mind, he was only human. He too could get bored. It seemed to be ages before the talking stopped and the typical shuffle of paper and backpacks began. He brought himself to move and reached down to grab his bag. As he started to get up from his seat he felt a set of eyes on him. This was not unusual, as many people were put off by the strange way that L held himself during lectures. It unsettled them to see how still he became while listening intently. He had done this since he was very small, and though it earned him his fair share of confused glances, he had seen no reason to change it. It was simply the best way for him to learn.  
    These eyes felt a bit more piercing than others usually did. L braced himself slightly for what was waiting for him, and turned his head to the side. There he locked eyes with a very interesting sight. This boy was often found attentively sitting at the front of the class, eyes focused and hand eagerly writing down notes. He never seemed to acknowledge those around him once the class had started, and though he made small talk with those around him it was easy to see that he did it merely to be amiable, not because he had any desire to speak with them. L had noticed him several times before, wondering why he was so studious. When L had peeked at tests handed back they had always been perfect or near-perfect scores. L had assumed that he had parents with high expectations or something of that manner. L had never looked him full in the face before, much less made eye contact. The stare he was met with now was intense. He appeared to be transfixed with L, like he couldn't understand what he was seeing. L knew that he was strange, but what he was face to face with now was nothing like he had experienced before. L had no idea why he was being singled out like this, or why this normally studious and uninvolved student was looking at him with such fervor.  
    L eventually had to break contact. It felt like an eternity had passed. L quickly shuffled out of the class, not daring to look back at the other boy. As he tried to hurry himself, he recalled that the name of the other student was Light. He couldn't recall ever having heard the last name, but he could swear that Light was the correct name. A strange name, to be sure. But L had no real room to talk when it came to bizarre names. After all, he had himself chosen to go by one letter. It was the only letter he could remember of his birth name, and as he did not wish to dishonor his parent's choice for his name he kept the only letter he knew: L. He was sure that if he dug into the past of his parents he could reason out what he had been named, but he was afraid. Afraid to learn things that he didn't wish to. Instead he kept their memory alive with a letter and left the past to the past. L realized he had stopped outside as he was thinking on the past, again caught staring up into the rain and clouds that remained overhead. Students hurried by trying to make it to their next classes, and L still stood staring. He sighed deeply, wishing he could simply return to his apartment. He was really making an effort to attend all of his classes, and with a slow turn he began to trudge his way to the next building, the next lecture, the next curious and confused set of faces.  
    Though he was terribly, almost uncannily, observant, L did not notice that the student from earlier, Light, had passed right by him. And that he had been staring again. And that he had been thinking about him. Not only as an aberration, but as on object of intense interest. L was focusing on himself, and yet he did not realize that he too had a fascination growing inside him. The person who had stared at him so intensely...  
    There was no doubt that what was beginning was something that would be a disruption to both students. Something possibly meaningful.


	5. Nuisance

Light finally found himself back home and was relieved to close his door on the downpour outside. He sighed to himself as he carefully took off his shoes and set them near the door.

_What has gotten into me today?_

He wondered to himself. It wasn't like him to spend so much time studying other people. It was true that he was aware of his surroundings and those that inhabited them, yet he had never before missed an entire class because of interest in another person. Though his mind would often wander during class, thoughts were often of a studious nature and not of personal interest. Light shook his head and set about getting started on some homework.

_I need to get my mind off of that guy._

Light picked up his bag and moved to his bedroom. He had set himself up by his window and decided to open it and listen to the rain as it fell outside. He had been working diligently for several minutes when he noticed a sharp, high pitched sound. At first he thought nothing of it, but as it continued he begin to feel a small seed of annoyance grow inside of him.

_What the hell is that?_

After a few more minutes he could not stand it and looked outside in an effort to determine where it was coming from. After scanning the nearby apartments he determined that the noise was coming from one building over, a window appeared to be open in a kitchen.

_Of course, it's a tea kettle. How are they not addressing this problem? Do they not hear how obnoxious that sound is? I can't even hear myself think!_

Light was beginning to let his anger get out of hand and knew that if that sound did not stop he would surely do something that he regretted. Grumbling under his breath, he stormed to his door, shoved on his shoes, and set off towards the offending sound. He was halfway to the other building before he realized that he had forgotten an umbrella.

_God damn it, I'm going to be soaked through. The nerve of this person, making me slog through this awful rain just to shut up their damn tea kettle._

Light's negative mood grew to a seething rage as he reached the door of the apartment.  He rapped on the door several times and stood with his arms crossed in front of him.

 _I am going to destroy this person_ , he thought to himself.

After a minute of waiting Light was about to start pounding even more forcefully when the door slowly creaked open. _Wait...this can't be right. It's the same guy?_ Light was staring into the face of the man he had been transfixed by earlier, who was wearing a similarly confused face. _There's no way...but why?_ He quickly brought himself back to the present moment and began to speak.

"You do realize that your tea kettle has been going off for the past 10 minutes right? I can barely hear myself think! I was in the middle of studying and I can't very well do my work with the awful noise ringing in my head..."

Light began to trail off as he saw that the man was looking at him quizzically. The other man finally responded.

"Oh, I see. I'll turn it off."

Light was vexed. _It's like he doesn't even care about the disturbance he's caused! How could he not have noticed such a loud noise?_ The other man looked him up and down and spoke once more.

"It seems that you forgot to bring an umbrella. You should dry yourself off. I can give you a towel."

The man then turned around and left the door open for Light to follow. He was stunned.

_What the hell is this guy thinking? He makes me walk all the way over here to shut up his damn kettle and now he's offering me a towel?_

Though he was angry, Light couldn't deny that he was freezing. He cursed silently under his breath and followed the man inside. Force of habit had him taking off his shoes before he fully realized what he was doing. He was about to open his mouth to ask permission but stopped himself.

_If this man is going to be so rude about noise disturbances I'm not going to bother with etiquette. He can deal with it._

Light still placed his shoes neatly side by side before looking to the kitchen. Thankfully by this point the man had taken his kettle off the stove and appeared to be pouring two cups of tea.

 _Is one of those for me?_ Light thought to himself. He was momentarily warmed by the gesture before he remembered that he was still soaked through and had been promised a towel.

"Excuse me" he stated. "I believe that I was promised a towel or something like that?"

The man turned his eyes to Light and stated simply "Oh, of course."

He finished preparing the cups and moved to what Light assumed was the bathroom to acquire the promised cloth. Light noticed that the room was very bare, and the kitchen was...chaotic, to say the least. Various candies and teas littered the counter, and Light couldn't begin to count the various dishes and cups that littered the surfaces. The clean freak in him silently screamed at this thoughtless display, and Light's anger began to build again. After a minute the other man returned.

"Here, this should help. Feel free to sit. It's Light, correct?"

Light was again momentarily thrown off balance. _He knows my name?_ The other man continued.

"We're in the same Criminology class, you sit towards the front."

Light stiffly nodded and, though he was still upset, accepted the cup of tea that was offered and sat at the small table near the entryway. Light toweled off his hair and then placed the towel behind him, hoping it could quickly soak up the rain from his clothes.

 _Please work fast_ , he though to himself.

He hoped that by sheer willpower he could force the absorbency of the towel to increase. The other man sat silently with his tea and stared.

 _This is beyond creepy. Why isn't he saying anything else?_ Light coughed gently to break the silence, and then ventured to speak.

"I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure of learning your name."

The other man stared blankly for a few seconds and then spoke. "L."

Light was confused, just a letter? Was he being unnecessarily cryptic? Light attempted to smile.

"Ah, I see. Is that...short for anything?"

"No." A curt response came from the other man, followed by more silence _._

_Please hurry up towel, I don't know if I can handle this psychological torture any longer._

Light cast his eyes around the room for something, anything that he could use as a topic of conversation.

"I see that you have quite the collection of teas." This seemed to somewhat pique the other man's interest.

"Yes, I am quite fond of tea. I buy a new pack every time I go out."

Light would have dismissed this as overstating the truth had this been another person, but looking at the state of the kitchen he couldn't help but believe the other man.

"I imagine that must get pretty expensive." Light shot back, with a hint of humor in his voice.

The other man simply shrugged. He then stood up and grabbed a box of cookies from the counter and returned to the table. He began removing them from the box, one by one, and stacking them on the table. Light was somewhat transfixed by this action, but overall was concerned.

_This guy is extremely weird. I wonder if I'm safe here. Should I even be drinking this tea?_

Light calmed himself, the tea tasted normal and he should not really be concerned.  He found himself staring at the profile before him.  The man was older than Light, he could tell just by looking at him.  He looked unnaturally tired, like he hadn't slept in weeks.  This was nothing unusual to see on a college campus, yet Light couldn't help but see something deeper in this sleepless look.  Light mentally changed focus and remembered why he had ended up drinking tea in this strange apartment and straightened himself up in his chair.

"Did you not hear your kettle go off? I could hear it from the other building." The other man looked up from his cookie tower and shrugged.

"I was thinking."

How anyone could ignore a sound that loud coming from their own kitchen perplexed Light. Then again, had it not been this man that had distracted him during this morning's class? The other man spoke up once more.

"You were staring at me today. Why?"

Light was momentarily taken aback by his forward statement. Light attempted to gather himself before responding.

"I don't know what you mean. I may have cast my eyes towards you, but I wasn't staring at you. I was paying attention to the lecture, which I have paid to benefit from."

The other man raised his eyebrows and replied.  "I was talking about after class."

Light cursed internally.

_Of course he didn't know about you staring during lecture you idiot. Now you sound ridiculous._

"Ah, yes. Well, you were sitting strangely during class and I couldn't help but notice. You must know that you present yourself in a...peculiar manner."

Light was momentarily worried that he was once again being rude, but another part of himself relished in jabbing at the other man.

_Perhaps I can get a reaction other than a blank stare._

Unfortunately Light found himself met by the same unconcerned gaze he had seen far too much that day.

"I suppose that is true. But tell me, what is this about staring at me during lecture?"

_Damn, he picked up on that._

"Your unusual posture concerned me, that's all. I haven't noticed you in class before and was a bit confused is all. Don't worry, it won't happen again."

And Light was sure it would not. He would use his entire willpower to avoid being distracted again by this man. Light noticed that his clothes had mostly dried.

"I should leave. Thank you for the towel."

He found himself thanking the man for inconveniencing him, and was distressed to hear the words leaving his mouth. The other man nodded. Light stood and headed for the door and was about to leave when he heard a voice from the kitchen.

"You seem to have forgotten your shoes." _God damn it!_

Why was he so off today?

"Thank you for reminding me."

Light silently put on his shoes and was again about to open the door when the man spoke once more.

"Would like an umbrella? It seems that if you head out now you will be placing yourself in the same predicament as when you arrived here."

Light took in a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. He forced a smile as he responded.

"Yes, thank you."

The other man left and returned with a clear umbrella, handing it to Light with a disinterested stare. Light grabbed it quickly and nodded before finally venturing outside. He didn't look back and moved as quickly as possible back to his apartment. As soon as he made it inside he sat the umbrella down before realizing his mistake.

_Now I'm going to have to return this._

Light set down his shoes with more force than necessary and stormed off to his room.


	6. Irregular

     L had finally made it back to his apartment after getting what he could out of his classes for the day. Though he had expected the day to play out as it usually did, with minimal disturbances and a semi-constant stream of information from his various professors, he couldn't help but think back to the man from criminology. L was used to being passed over and forgotten, so to see another person take that much interest in him was unusual to say the least. It had been bothering him all day and had caused a cloud to form in his mind. L was slightly perturbed to discover that he could not recall much of his day following the end of that class. L sighed. _I'm sure nothing terribly important was covered anyways._ L rubbed his arms, still chilled from the walk home. _Tea. And cookies, lots of cookies._ L figured this would be just the thing to get him back into his normal routine and out of this strange mood. He moved to the kitchen and began the arduous process of selecting a beverage. Green. Darjeeling. Mint. Chai. Breakfast. L went through several different names before finally selecting an Earl Grey.

     L set a kettle on the stove and waited patiently for it to heat. L stared out his window and looked down on the people below him. He saw several students like himself running towards shelter and a few people with umbrellas taking their dogs to sniff outside, but the courtyard was mostly empty. L felt a sort of sadness when the rain fell...but also a feeling of home. He had many negative memories of his childhood, in fact nearly all could be categorized as such, yet he had found once he moved to America that the rain gave him warm feelings of his native country. For L the rain was the soundtrack to his life, a steady rhythm that pounded in the back of his mind and made him feel like things may be going as they should. He wasn't one to often get sentimental, but on certain days when the streets were mostly empty and the downpour was steady he would think back to those things that he missed. Saving up money to buy sweets from the corner store and quickly devouring them before sneaking back home. Watching as the birds in the yard darted back and forth to pick up stray bread crumbs he had tossed to them. A small burst of joy that he couldn't quite suppress at the thought of moving to a new home. Yes, the rain called up many feeling in L, and as he stared at the streams rolling down the window he found himself getting washed away.

     It took L several moments to realize what he was hearing. _Knocking?_ No one ever knocked on his door, excepting maintenance of course. L had not ordered anything online recently, and certainly was not expecting a social call. His curiosity rising, L began to shuffle towards the door. He rested his hand on the handle for a moment and finally opened it only to find... _Hmmm?_ L was not sure what to make of what he was seeing. Though he found it very difficult to believe, he was staring at the student from earlier. He appeared to be speaking, but L wasn't taking in a word of what he was saying. The man in front of him was soaked from head to toe, and a quick glance told L that he had not been properly outfitted for the current weather. "...awful noise ringing in my head..." L caught the last few words of the man's tirade and suddenly realized that he must be talking about the kettle. _I hadn't noticed._ _Did he really come all the way over here to tell me to turn it off? Surely it can't have been that loud._ L stared at the other man for a few more moments, again noticing the awful state he was in. _What am I supposed to do in a situation like this?_

     L finally managed to formulate a response, pointing out the man's lack of foresight to bring an umbrella and putting out the offer of a towel. L did not wait to see what effect his words had on the other man and moved to the kitchen to remove the kettle from the stove. Force of habit had him pouring hot water into a cup before he fully noticed what his hands were doing. _I suppose I should make two cups._ He swiftly found what he presumed was another fairly clean cup and gently filled it, being careful not to spill. He let the leaves steep and couldn't help but feel a smile creep to his lips as he saw both cups sitting together. _This is not something I thought I would see today._ He then heard a cough from behind him and remembered the intended recipient of the second cup.

"Excuse me, I believe that I was promised a towel or something like that?"

The other man appeared to be trying to hold together a pleasant face, but L could tell that he was put off. _I suppose I should have let him dry off first._ L replied to the man and set off towards the bathroom. As he looked for a clean towel, he couldn't help but smile again at how strange it was that he was in this situation. This day truly has been something unusual. L finally laid his eyes on a suitable cloth and returned to the kitchen. He struggled to find something to say to the other man. _I suppose I can't leave out the fact that we have met and shared a...something earlier today._

L spoke. "Here, this should help. Feel free to sit. It's Light, correct?"

L silently cursed after saying the other man's name. _I shouldn't know his name, I can't keep letting people know how much I observe them!_ He noticed Light shift slightly in discomfort.

"We're in the same Criminology class, you sit towards the front" L offered.

He knew he wasn't helping, but at this point he was trying to find anything that would give him an excuse. _Of course he knew that they were in the same class, because he had been staring at him!_ He watched as Light nodded and quickly moved to grab a cup of tea and hand it to him. Light grabbed the towel and began to dry his hair, L pretended not to be intrigued by the man toweling himself in his kitchen. L almost felt as if he was in a strange dream, where people talked to him and stayed for tea and accepted his help. L busied himself with preparing his tea, ensuring that he put several spoons of sugar into the hot liquid before even thinking of touching it to his lips.

     Light finally sat and began to drink his tea. _Is he not putting anything in it?_ L couldn't understand such bizarre behavior, but he shrugged to himself knowing that most people were a little different from him. L continued to focus on his tea before again being interrupted by a cough. _Ah, yes. Conversation._

"I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure of learning your name" offered Light.

Names were a tricky thing for L. He knew it was weird that he went by one letter, and didn't enjoy explaining himself over and over again.

He felt it was necessary to share, however, and simply replied with "L." He could see Light's fake smile falter slightly at the strange name and hurriedly make another response.

"Ah, I see. Is that...short for something?"

 _There it is._ Everyone always assumed that he was being unnecessarily edgy or evasive by simply stating a single letter, though he was used to it by now it still slightly irked him.

He responded with a simple "No."

 _Great job on that, you successfully steered this conversation into a dead end._ L did not have much practice with social conversation and as such had gotten used to simply spitting out factual and to the point statements. He could see Light struggling to find something to talk about, and would have helped him if he had any skills in the arena of light conversation.

"I see that you have quite the collection of teas."

L supposed that to an outside observer it would appear to be a collection, though in truth L had a slight compulsion to buy tea whenever he saw it. He wasn't sure if it was a carry-over of his time in Britain, or if he just liked the feeling of security that a full kitchen brought him. L lightly explained this compulsion to the other man and saw a small, more genuine smile creep onto his face.

"I imagine that must get pretty expensive."

 _Is he saying that I don't look like the sort of person with money?_ It was true that L did not put much into his appearance, and from the looks of the other man it appeared that the opposite was the case. Light's clothes appeared to be well made and all seemed to fit him perfectly. L couldn't recall a time where he had seen him and not thought him to be somewhat immaculate. L felt a small bout of insecurity well up inside of him, and quickly stood up to get some cookies from the counter, if only to distance himself momentarily from Light. _This is why I don't talk to people. This may have been a bad idea._ L did his best to quiet that nagging voice inside of his head that told him he wasn't good, he was a freak, he didn't belong with other people. He began to stack his cookies on the table, using the rhythmic motion to calm himself. He for a moment forgot his previous concerns and became more focused on the task at hand. He was brought back to the present situation by a steady and determined voice.

"Did you not hear your kettle go off? I could hear it from the other building."

L did not know how to respond to this and simply shrugged. Though he did not believe that the other man would understand, he simply stated that he had been thinking. He saw that Light seemed confused by this answer, but as he had said the truth he did not feel the need to elaborate. He then found his mouth moving before he fully realized what he was saying.

"You were staring at me today. Why?"

 _Eloquent as always._ L couldn't take back or reword what he had said, and waited to see what response this would elicit. He could see that the man was taken aback, perhaps hoping that L would not call attention to the events of earlier that day. However, L could not sit back and let this opportunity to question pass him by. This man, after all, had looked at him far differently than any others had. He could not let this mystery remain unsolved. He finally heard the man speak, falteringly denying any such "staring" and claiming he had been paying attention during his class. L couldn't help but raise his eyebrows at this. He was distracted by me during class? I hadn't been aware of this.

He could see that Light had noticed his questioning look, and replied "I was talking about after class."

Light appeared to be distressed at being called out on his slip up. Again his smile appeared to falter and he spoke once more.

"Ah, yes. Well, you were sitting strangely during class and I couldn't help but notice. You must know that you present yourself in a...peculiar manner."

L was surprised that the man had been so honest with him. Normally people danced around why they would stare at him, running around the obvious fact that L was different and they were confused and put off by this difference. L couldn't help but shoot back another blunt statement.

"I suppose that is true. But tell me, what is this about staring at me during lecture?"

L observed the man attempt to think up an excuse before babbling out a nearly exact repeat of the statement he had presented before.

He finished by saying "Don't worry, it won't happen again."

For some reason L felt a small twinge of sadness at this statement but quickly brushed it aside. _He shouldn't be staring at me, I should be relived that he promising not to treat me like a sideshow act._ Light thanked L for the towel, stood up and headed for the door. L got up to follow him and glanced down at the man's feet. _When did he remove his shoes?_ L again found himself laughing at the though of someone coming to his home, taking off their shoes, staying for tea and exchanging words with him. Though he was certain that the other man had not enjoyed a moment of his time there, L couldn't help but feel some happiness settle in his chest at the thought of a moment of closeness with another human being. L noticed that the man had opened the door without putting on his shoes, and pointed this fact out. He could tell that Light was confused at his own lack of awareness. He watched as Light put on his shoes and thought about him ruining the clothes he had just managed to get somewhat dry. L found himself calling out.

"Would you like an umbrella? It seems that if you head out now you will be placing yourself in the same predicament as when you arrived here."

He could see that Light was already upset by being interrupted, but saw him pull himself together and...thank him. L was momentarily taken aback by hearing the words "thank you" directed towards him, and quickly procured an umbrella and handed it to the other man. Light grabbed it hastily and was gone without another word. With that, L was once again alone in his apartment. For some reason he felt the emptiness far more than he usually did. Perhaps this was another reason why he did not seek human contact. _It is much harder to deal with the absence of something when you have felt what it is like to possess it._ L sat back down at the table and returned to his task of stacking cookies, letting the rhythm take over and push his loneliness to the back of his mind. Though he tried, he couldn't help but feel disheartened. _It wouldn't be so bad for me to be stared at by him perhaps. But he seemed quite adamant that he would be avoiding me from now on._ This was normal. This was the way things always had been. To think things would change now would be foolish.


	7. Downpour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, I'm sorry for the gap in chapters. I know its been about 7 months, but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things and update more regularly. Thank you to everyone who has commented and encouraged me to keep writing, you guys are the best!

The rain had still not let up. It cast a shadow over everything, making the world seem quiet and closed off. Light was not used to this type of weather continuing for such extended periods of time and as such found that it was taking a toll on him emotionally. It had been continuing on for at least five days straight and showed no sign of relenting any time soon. Though Light liked to believe that something as silly as the weather couldn't affect him he had noticed a larger sense of apathy and loneliness growing within him. People in his classes had started asking him if he was okay, if he was getting enough sleep, if something was bothering him. Light would quickly throw on a smile and laugh it off, saying he had been up late studying, and then curse at himself for allowing his mask to fall. He did not appreciate their pity and hated seeing the concern in their eyes. They didn't truly care about him, they only wanted to alleviate their own discomfort at seeing him "out of character." He found himself looking in the mirror and noticing more and more of a draining effect on his face. He was starting to lose the kept up appearance that he had curated for himself and didn't know what he was going to do.

_If this doesn't stop I'm going to end up looking like him._

He had found that despite his sincerest efforts he could not get rid of L. On his initial return to his Criminology class he had endeavored to show up especially early and grab a seat in the very front in order to not see or think about that man. This had been a mistake. The entire class had been spent imagining what he looked like, how he was sitting, if he was staring in Light's direction. Light had sped out of class as soon as the professor dismissed him and managed to avoid looking behind him to see if his suspicions were confirmed. In the subsequent classes he had worked out a way to help himself focus, he would sit in the same row as L. In this way he could look out the corner of his eye and keep tabs without appearing abnormal or missing the lecture. This became tricky when it came to ensuring that others did not steal a prime seat and he had worked out the timing of arriving to class down to a science.

_Get there late enough that L will be there but early enough that the last minute stragglers have not taken all available places._

He was sure that he was being sneaky about it, sometimes sitting completely across the row from him and other times slightly closer. A random pattern of closeness.

_There's no way he knows, right? I'm sure he just focuses on the lecture anyways, he wouldn't bother himself with me._

Light assured himself with platitudes, only half believing them but hoping in his ability to act normally.

Today he had to bring himself to go to class yet again. Light looked at himself one last time before splashing cold water on his face in an attempt to wash away his overthinking.

_One class at a time._

He hurriedly put on one of his nicer sweater and jacket combos in an attempt to distract from his tired face and headed out the door. He grabbed his umbrella and began the twenty minute trek to campus. He knew he could and should take the bus but he had left too late to justify the wait. He would also rather not run the risk of being forced into a conversation with an acquaintance. The last thing he wanted to do right now was try and maintain small talk. He attempted to drown out his thoughts by focusing on the sound of the rain as it bounced off of his umbrella, letting the rhythm soothe him. He found himself getting to class one minute before start time.

_Damn it! All the seats in his row are taken!_

Light quickly scanned the room and had found to his dismay that the only seats open were clustered behind L. He quickly made his way to the farthest seat and unpacked his notes unceremoniously, plopping them down and letting out a heavy sigh. He noticed that a few students had looked in his direction and he shot them a quick smile.

_Leave it to him to make me cause a scene._

He knew it wasn't fair to blame the other man, but it was satisfying to have a scapegoat and he didn't really care about what was logical in this moment. He just wanted to distract himself.

The professor began class and Light moved between writing notes and casting glances towards L. Light applauded himself for mostly maintaining focus on the lecture. He then noticed the lights begin to flicker. At first he thought it was a simple power surge, but the sound of the wind howling outside began to give him cause for doubt. The flickering became more frequent and he began to hear murmurs of concern run through the class. The professor attempted to maintain order but lost his hold on the room once the lights completely went off. Cell phones came out and an eerie glow spread across the desks and faces of students as they heard the roar of the storm outside. An email showed up on everyone's phones.

" _Classes are canceled for the remainder of the day. Please use caution in going home and do not attempt to drive if you are not confident in your driving skills."_

A feeling of joy was apparent as everyone quickly packed away their things. The professor simply threw up his hands and gave up, calling out to everyone to please read the chapter before the next class. It was unlikely that most of the students heard him, it was hard to fight the excitement of a suddenly free day. Light, on the other hand, was not pleased. Though he was happy to be rid of his distraction he was not looking forward to the walk home. The buses would be overloaded even more and there was no way he was going to stand and wait for an open one to arrive. Light quickly shoved his things in his bag and began to head back to his apartment.

He had been walking for about five minutes, focusing getting to his destination as quickly as possible, when he noticed someone walking without an umbrella.

_Unreal. This is just like the first time I saw him._

Of course it was L. Of course he would be slowly walking, appearing to be lost in thought, with no umbrella and soaked to the bone. A flash of lightning lit up the sky and caused L's face to appear even more unnaturally pale than usual.

_I need to leave him alone. Just keep walking. You'll pass him in a minute and be free, you just need to get home._

Then a sickening thought took root in Light's mind.

_I never gave him back his umbrella. This is my fault. I mean, technically it's his for letting that kettle keep going and making me walk over to his apartment and..._

Light could only allow this blaming train of thought go on for so long. Light took in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and then hurried his steps to catch up to L. He didn't think that he had been noticed, but he saw that once he had become parallel to the other man that their eyes met.

L was truly a heartbreaking sight. Thin, soaked through, tired and altogether appearing to be a shell of a man. Light attempted to open his mouth to say something but instead simply held his umbrella up higher to where it could cover both of them. The two began to walk together, silent and cold.

_What are you doing? Why aren't you saying anything?_

Light seldom had difficulty knowing what to say, but perhaps the weather had truly taken that much of a toll on his psyche. Eventually he found his lips forming a single word.

"Sorry." It was very soft, and for a moment he didn't think that he had been heard. He then heard a response, also quiet.

"What for?"

_What does he mean "what for?" I'm the reason he's completely drenched and stuck sharing an umbrella with a stranger. There's no way he doesn't blame me for what's happening to him right now. I'm the cause of his misery._

Light simply shrugged under his jacket, "I forgot to return it. Your umbrella. I'm sorry."

He didn't want to be apologizing, but there was something compelling him to feel sorry for the other man. A mix of resentment and pity welled inside him and battled for control of his mind. They continued to walk, the sounds of rain and thunder enveloping them. Though there were many others rushing home and headed in the same direction as them, he felt like they were truly alone, shrouded by the downpour.

Before he knew it they had arrived at his door.

_Wait, that's not right._

He looked to his right and L was still there, standing. Light's autopilot had led him home and he hadn't even realized that he had brought both of them to his home. L also appeared to be surprised, as if he had also simply been following and lost in thought.

"Would you like to come in and wait it out?"

Light had let the words leave his mouth before he fully registered the impulse to speak.

 _What the hell are you saying? You're inviting him_ inside _? Where you_ live _? Are you insane?_

But it was too late. He saw the slow nod of the older man and had already opened the door before his internal protests had found their way to his brain. Soon they were inside, and L was dripping all over the entryway. Light couldn't help but notice the similarities between this scene and the way that he had first been introduced to L. However, this time it was his home, and Light had led the other man there. There was an insinuation that he wanted L there, that he had planned all of this.

Light mumbled something about grabbing a towel and quickly made his way to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and found a faint flush resting on his cheeks. He prayed that it was from the walk up the stairs and not from anything else. He could at least write it off that way if questioned. Light returned with a large towel and found L in the same position he had left him, soaked and slightly shivering. Light moved to hand him the towel but could tell that it was going to take a long time for his clothes to become anything resembling comfortable. He needs to get into something else. Light could track his own train of thought.

_You aren't thinking of offering-_

"Here, let me lend you something to wear and I'll throw your things in the dryer."

Again, his mouth was moving independently of his brain and he couldn't take back what had been said. He saw L's eyes widen slightly and though he saw a hint of a smile play across his lips.

"Thank you."

Light felt that those words held more in them than he dared delve into, had more of a gravity and intensity than he wanted to register fully. Light quickly hurried into his room and opened his closet, trying to decide what would look best- what would be the most comfortable for L. He quickly selected a simple black sweater and casual pajama bottoms, a soft fleece that was certainly a better alternative to wet jeans. Light returned to find L still standing in the same place and was slightly annoyed that he had not sat or done something to make himself more comfortable. Light always tried to be a good host and was beginning to take it personally.

"The bathroom is the first door on the left, feel free to wear these and I'll get started on your clothes."

L finally appeared to snap back to reality and nodded before gingerly taking the clothing from his hands and holding them slightly away from his body so as not to get them damp.

Once Light heard the bathroom door close he sighed and slumped into a kitchen table chair.

_What have you gotten yourself into? Who knows how long this storm is going to last? You're stuck together for at least as long as his clothes will take to dry, at least an hour. What are you going to do?_

Light remembered how awkward 15 minutes had been with him before, he couldn't imagine an hour, much less anything longer than that.

 _And what if he's noticed me checking on him during class?_ _How am I going to spin that?_

Light was so lost in thought that it took him a second to register the sound of a throat clearing. Light looked up and was momentarily taken aback. The dark fabric against L's pale skin caused him to look even more like a phantom. He had not anticipated this effect and most likely would have been terrified to see L had he not been expecting him. Light quickly stood up, taking L's wet clothing from him while avoiding his gaze. He swiftly deposited them in the dryer and set it to high heat. Soon the sound of the tumbling clothing began and Light returned to the kitchen. He was pleased to see that L had finally taken a seat. If he looked at L from behind he could almost cut a handsome figure, if casually so. However, as Light looked at his face the other became haunting to look at, a gaunt creature that silently stared. L once again spoke.

"Thank you."

Light again was struck by how sincerely L had said this and silently nodded. Light noticed that the other man's hair was still dripping and picked up the towel he had draped on the counter.

"Here. For your hair."

_Can we please stop talking in this blunted and simplistic manner?_

Light still found it difficult to find his voice, too lost in his own thought process. L took the towel without protest and began to lightly dry himself, making sure to keep the droplets from flying onto the table. Light was momentarily transfixed by the spectacle and quickly headed into the kitchen to prepare some coffee.

_T_ _his is a real predicament you got yourself into._

Light hoped that he would be able to make this ordeal as painless as possible.


	8. Touch

L felt as if he were in a dream. From the moment that he had registered Light standing next to him to now he had been unable to fully appreciate what was happening. He used this moment of solitude as he changed to really think about his situation. He had been walking, resigned to arriving at his apartment exhausted and drenched. He had not anticipated being joined by that person, the one who he had noticed keeping an eye on him during class. He was sure that Light thought he had been sneaky, but L had also been keeping tabs on him and couldn't help but notice that his chosen seats were decidedly random within his row. L had been too shocked by the offer of an umbrella and an apology to realize that he was blindly following Light to his destination. He had somehow ended up in Light's apartment, about to put on his clothes.

 _Soft._ L was not used to touching such well maintained clothing, his were usually the cheapest shirts and jeans that he could find and were never kept nice. L did not particularly care about how he presented himself, wrapping someone as odd as him in a nice outfit wouldn't help his image in the slightest. He truly found no point in dressing up. However, as he felt the soft fabric beneath his fingers he couldn't help but imagine himself wearing it, looking like a well put together human being. L quickly shucked off his dripping shirt and pants, staring down at his too thin body before slipping into the new clothing. The immediate relief of being in something warm and soft cause his mind to relax for a moment. Then he looked in the mirror. What he was met with was the same gaunt face. The darkness of the sweater brought out the circles under his eyes, the deep blackness of his hair and eyes, and altogether made him appear ghoulish. _I should have known it wouldn't really change much._ He admonished himself for having thought that he would magically be transformed into something normal by a simple clothing change. He was startled to realize he had no idea how long he had been in the bathroom and immediately exited, scooping up his clothing in the process.

He emerged and silently padded toward the kitchen, stopping to see that Light was sitting at the table apparently lost in thought. L was intrigued to see Light's face when he believed no one was looking his way. In class and even when he had come to his apartment to tell him off he had an air of affability, an even friendliness in his tone and mannerisms. Anyone who looked at him would assume that he was a normal, well-adjusted college student. The Light before him now showed no traces of this. He looked tired, confused and perhaps a little bit angry. L was having difficulty identifying every emotion presented on his face, but years of studying those around him had given him a good sense for what others were thinking. He wanted to study this face more, learn more of its secrets and gain a better understanding of Light. Unfortunately he had been noticed. He saw the mask return to Light's face almost instantly, though for a second he thought he saw a bit of surprise in his eyes. _Of course he would be surprised. You look like a ghost._ L sat down at the table, unsure of what else to do with himself. Before he realized what was happening Light had taken his wet clothes and moved quickly to what he assumed was the laundry room. This left L to wonder to himself. _Why am I here? Why am I so_ excited _to be here? And what are we supposed to do?_

Light had returned and moved straight to the kitchen. L soon heard the sounds of coffee brewing and cups being removed from a cupboard. L grimaced at the thought that he might have to drink it black, thinking back to Light's unadorned cup of tea he had drank before. He would suffer if he had to, but was delighted to see that Light had returned to the table with sugar cubes and milk. _Of course, he's a courteous host._ L took his cup from Light's hands, one of his fingers brushing against the other's for just a moment. L didn't want to dwell on this fact and busied himself with preparing his drink, putting in a light splash of milk before piling 10 cubes into his cup, one at a time. _I haven't felt another human in so long._ L didn't socialize, he didn't have friends, and he certainly didn't have any outlets for physical contact with others. L hadn't truly had much in general in his life, but at least when he was a child he would get a begrudging hug or two from foster parents and siblings if they were feeling particularly charitable or sorry for him. This stopped once he hit 11 and people began to think of him as dangerous. He'd never done anything to cause this, he was sure of it, but his naturally dark eyes and haunting expression left others to keep their distance. He had become used to this, it had been many years since then and he had believed that he didn't really need that touch, that closeness. However, he was beginning to question this. If the slight touch of fingers was enough to cause him to think so much perhaps he really was starved for companionship. _Regardless, this is not the place for this. You are here because he took pity on you, nothing more. There is no reason to think on this anymore._ He attempted to order himself to cease from ruminating on the subject more, but it was an uphill battle.

L had no idea how long they had been sitting in silence, realizing that he hadn't even taken a sip of the coffee that had been prepared for him. He quickly began to drink, pleased by the syrupy sweetness. He noticed that this coffee tasted better then the cheap stuff he sometimes purchased from the campus coffee shop and wondered aloud.

"Light, where did you get this coffee? It's...good."

He was surprised to use the other man's name, and believed he saw him slightly jump at the sudden break from silence. He quickly readied himself, replying relatively smoothly.

"I get a lot of different blends, some local and some imported from home and other countries."

"Oh, like me with my teas. It seems we both are collectors of sorts."

L silently chastised himself for comparing the two, but saw a bit of ease wash over the other's face. _Perhaps he is relieved to see that I'm trying to converse. I guess it's not always difficult to communicate._ L decided to try and question a bit more.

"Your home, it's Japan right?" L was pretty good at picking out the nationalities of others, and the slight surprise he saw seemed to confirm his guess.

"That's right." Now L was being met with the short answers, wondering how he had possibly been put in a situation where he was meant to keep the conversation alive.

"I'm also not from here. I lived in the UK until I was 18."

L was about to state how long he had been in the US but decided against it, not wanting to alarm the other man. He knew that he was older, by a bit larger margin than Light may be comfortable with. Light raised his eyebrows at this, and L quickly filled in.

"I no longer have the accent, I've been more affected by the speech patterns I've heard at the university than those from my childhood."

More silence. _Great. You're doing a wonderful job. You should have known better than to try and have small talk. When was the last time you had a conversation like this?_ L tried to quiet that negative inner voice but to no avail. Suddenly he heard Light's voice.

"I think I know what you mean. I don't talk with much of an accent either."

 _A connection! That makes two now._ L couldn't help but feel a small sense of satisfaction at this fact, and before he realized what was happening he had allowed a smile to form on his face. And he saw that Light also had a small smile. Light got up from the table, asking about refilling the cups. L silently nodded, handing the cup to Light but missing an opportunity to "accidentally" brush against his fingers once more. L tried not to feel too disappointed.

He watched Light as he busied himself with preparing more coffee, those fingers moving deftly as he packed the grounds and set them to brewing. Light reached up to a cupboard. Then in an instant, before L fully realized what was happening, Light was covered in something. _Is that...sugar?_ It appeared that Light had knocked over a bag of powdered sugar, and it was now covering him. He began to cough, and before L could stop himself he was up from the table and next to Light, trying to brush sugar off of him and wave away the cloud that had formed. Light composed himself after a few seconds and L quickly realized what he had been doing and moved away, alarmed at their proximity and the fact that he had actually touched another person and they had not immediately recoiled. He was sure this mostly due to his shock and preoccupation with the sugar attacking him, but he still relished the thought that he had been successful yet again in feeling him, if only for a moment. Light was now looking towards him, and he couldn't read what he saw on his face. _Confusion? Fear? Calm?_ There were too many emotions and L was not able to focus himself and simply mumbled.

"Sorry."

Light replied quickly. "No, no. Thank you. I was just surprised is all. I was trying to see if I had any cookies but I guess I don't. I'm sorry, I know that you seem to like those."

 _He was looking for something for me? And he remembered?_ L let another small smile grace his face.

"I feel indebted to you then. This was my fault. You still have something on your shoulder."

Surprised at his boldness, L reached out and felt a small jump under his fingers as he dusted a bit more sugar off of Light. Did he let his fingers linger for a second too long? _Do I care?_ L decided that he did not and relished in the faint blush he was sure he was imagining on the face opposite his.


	9. Acceptance

_I need to get a hold of myself._

Light had allowed himself to get carried away, and had come close to doing something, a thing that he was too afraid to name or allow to register in his mind. His hand had felt unusually warm after he handed L his coffee, but he refused to believe that this was a result of touching the other man.

_It was for less than half a second. You're just in shock from getting used to the warmth of the apartment after the cold outside._

Light had been caught up in this train of thought, explaining away the physical reaction that had happened to him from a simple touch. Then L had started talking to him. And Light had liked that. A normal conversation, one that showed the smallest amount of connection between the two. Light found himself wanting to know more, to explore the depths of what L had to say, what he thought, what he wanted, what he dreamed of. Light realized with alarm that he was smiling. And he was afraid of what that smile might mean. Light quickly stood up from the table and took L's cup from him, making sure to avoid any touch and to get away as soon as possible.

Light busied himself in the kitchen, finding any excuse to remain alone and collect his thoughts.

_Why am I reacting this way? I never have issues in talking with others, why is it so different this time?_

Light was always able to bring about that air of affability around people, laughing when appropriate, commenting just enough on the other person to make them feel validated and friendly towards him. It was easy. People were predictable, a little flattery and a look of interest was usually enough to get through most conversations. Occasionally Light would have to appear concerned or sad for the other person, but that was easy enough and came as a second nature to him. But here he was having more of a struggle than he'd ever had with another person. Even talking with his father wasn't this difficult.

_At least with him I could understand his point of view, but L is a true blank for me._

Light shook his head and quietly whispered to himself to calm down. He had started brewing more coffee, but he didn't think he could go back to the table yet.

_I need to get myself together. I need to be calm. Snacks. I can get some cookies or something and maybe I'll have to dig around for awhile and then I can get the time I need to just BREATHE for a god damn second!_

Light reached for the cupboard and opened it-

Everything was white and he was choking.

_What the fu-_

Light was interrupted in his train of thought by the feeling of a hand, hands on him, brushing at his clothing. Light immediately tensed, and then realized what had happened.

_I'm an idiot. It's sugar. And I completely upended an entire bag on my head._

Light sighed and relaxed, then immediately was on edge again.

_Wait, who's touching me? Oh my god._

Of course Light knew who it was. There was only one other person in his apartment. A person who's touch he had been trying to avoid and escape by coming into the kitchen. A person who was now inches away from him and placing hands on his body. Light leaped into action, shaking himself off and speeding up the cleaning process as much as he could.

_I have to stop him. I have to-_

What did he have to do again? Light didn't have to do anything. He was here, in this moment, staring at a fascinatingly haunting man, in his apartment, inches away from him, and every instinct in Light's body was telling him to act, to close that gap and to fulfill the urge his biology was pounding into his head. But Light was frozen. And then L was speaking.

"Sorry."

Light was confused, wanted L to stop talking, stop making him confused, _stop standing, just stop!_ Light knew that he wasn't making any sense, quickly shooting back that he had simply been looking for cookies.

_Why is he smiling? What did I do?_

But Light knew exactly what he'd done. He'd told the truth, let slip that fact that he had been thinking about the other man. L's lips were moving, but Light couldn't understand what he was saying, something about a debt and that there was something on his shoul-

L was touching him again, and Light couldn't help but jump. It's just the sugar. Light was sure that was the only reason that he was being touched, and yet he couldn't help but feel that L's fingers had rested for a few seconds on his shoulder, a few seconds that were spent not brushing away anything but just touching, spreading a warmth across his face that he prayed to whatever would listen was not being broadcast to the other man. L stepped away, and Light couldn't help but feel a sadness in his throat, a wish for something more, for those fingers to stay, to feel that connection again. Suddenly, Light was laughing. He could tell that L was shocked by this, but he couldn't stop himself. It was all so ridiculous.

_Why do I insist on keeping myself trapped, denying my wants based on a carefully constructed illusion?_

Light continued to laugh, and soon he saw that L was smiling along with him. Light finally calmed down after a minute and spoke.

"This is ridiculous. My kitchen is a mess, and you're going to help me clean it up."

Light simply spoke what he felt, what he wanted, which was that he wanted L to be close, to talk with him and learn everything. L jumped at this, uttering a protest.

"But your clothes, and the kitchen is so small, and-"

Light surprised himself by leaning in and putting a finger against L's lips.

"Hush, let's get started." Light quickly withdrew his hand, and was momentarily alarmed at himself, for how quickly he had assumed this new attitude, and how much he loved playing the wild card.

L was on the floor in minutes, paper towels in hand, wiping down every surface he could as Light worked on the counters. Soon Light had determined that everything at his level was sufficiently clean and looked down at L as he continued his diligent search for every speck of sugar. L was far too small for the clothing had had been given, and Light found himself staring at the shoulder that was partially exposed as the dark sweater hung off of him. His eyes traced up the man's neck, noticing the sharpness of his chin and face, the gaunt face in profile. Light knew that he was stricken, and despite that voice in the back of his mind that still urged him to be cautious, to kick the other man out and to stop himself, he found himself speaking yet again.

"That looks perfect."

Was he referring to the floor or to L?

_Something to over-analyze later._

Light reached down and offered his hand to L, who was now staring at him with a confused expression. L finally took it and was hoisted to his feet in moments. Light found that he had continued to hold onto L's hand, and had his other braced on L's shoulder. The two stared at each other, and that voice in the back of Light's mind became stronger.

_What the hell are you doing? You're scaring him, you shouldn't be doing this, you've already ruined your image and now you're going to scare him away and he'll never come back and-_

Light silenced his mind the only way he knew how. He leaned forward, thankful that L slouched and allowed him easy access to his mouth. Light's mouth was against L's in a moment, and every thought and objection that had been in his mind was gone. All that remained was sensation. Warmth. Closeness. Connection.

_Damn the consequences. I'm not going to fight what I want anymore._


	10. Instinct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some long awaited smut! I was initially going to make it more of a tease, but once I started writing I just couldn't help myself. Hope you enjoy.

_This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not-_ L's brain had gone into overdrive. Every sense in his body was elevated and running at 200%. _No, maybe 150%._ He was still comprehending, in some small way, what was happening. _I am being kissed. This is what this feels like._ This amount of closeness was unlike anything that L had ever felt before.  L was overwhelmed by the many sensations. Warmth, the feel of Light's breath against his lips. The pressure of a hand on his shoulder. The slight smell of shampoo, the unpleasant taste of bitter coffee. The need that he could feel coming from the other man, the _desire._ L could truly say that he had never felt himself as an object of want from another person, except maybe when he was being used for another person's gain. But this, this was truly different. L could not sense any ulterior motives, except for maybe an obvious one that he dare not dwell on for long. _You need to stop thinking and DO SOMETHING._ L realized with a start that he had been simply standing, frozen, thinking about what was happening and not taking any action. His reflexes kicked in and he found himself pushing back, moving his own lips to equal the pressure of Light's. He could feel that this had surprised him, and a gained a small sense of satisfaction from the idea of possibly throwing Light off balance. _Stop thinking and just GO!_ For once, L allowed himself to simply listen to his instincts.

L moved his own hands, pushing against Light's chest with perhaps more force than was necessary, until his body rested with a solid thump against the kitchen counter. He could see a slight worry in Light's eyes, and the two broke physical contact. Again, the two were staring at each other. The silence between them was full of unspoken questions and desires. L could only imagine what was running through Lights mind at that moment, but he was almost positive that underneath the flush on his cheeks he could see a bit of fear. And he was sure that his own face reflected this as well. _Why-_ But once again, L was acting on impulse. And it felt good. L closed the gap, ignoring the muffled gasp of Light as he pressed with more force than before against his mouth. L knew that he had no idea what he was doing. He had never been in a situation like this before outside of his own imagination, and even then that was mostly purely out of curiosity. But this, this was curiosity and raw need and more than he could comprehend all wrapped into one. _Fuck it._ L attempted to move his tongue to meet Light's, and was surprised to find that he was not rebuffed and instead welcomed in. Light's hands had somehow found themselves entangled in L's hair, and he felt his face being pushed even closer, their teeth clacking together awkwardly. L couldn't help but grimace at how awkward he was, at how much he was floundering. He figured that he might as well continue to run on pure instinct.

L knew that what he wanted, what he needed was to be closer. To feel more of Light. And so he allowed his hands to sneak under Light's shirt, slowly moving their way up from his waist, soaking up the intense heat that he felt radiating from his skin. L could feel Light twitch underneath him, clearly surprised at the contact. L could detect the slight ripple of muscles under his fingers, wanting to look at them but knowing that this would require losing contact again, something that he could not bring himself to do just yet. He needed to maintain the contact of their lips against each other, needed to continue to feel Light's tongue and the warmth of his inviting mouth. He instead trailed his thin fingers up Light's chest, reveling in each movement that Light made. He hoped that they were movements of pleasure. Normally L would be analyzing every movement, over calculating the repercussions of each touch and second guessing each reaction. But it seemed that a different part of L was in charge now, and he couldn't help but feel relieved. L moved his hands to Light's back now, feeling the bones of his shoulder before dragging his nails lightly down until they reached the top of his pants. He felt a shudder against him that caused his mind to go to dark places. He could feel a slight gasp transfer from Light's mouth to his own. L felt the pressure growing inside him, thankful that he had been given pants that allowed his growing member to rise unimpeded. He wanted Light to know how he felt, to see how he made him feel, how utterly attractive he was. L pushed against Light with his whole body, and could feel that Light had also hardened. L found himself smiling, knowing that in some unfathomable way he had cause the other man to feel this way.

L had never imagined that he would be able to cause another human to feel attraction to himself. It's not like he had sought out intimate contact with others, but it had never seemed worth it. He now wished that he had tried before. _Everything feels so good and right. This touch is better than I could have imagined._ L found his chest being pressed against, and was dismayed to find that he was being pushed away. _Oh....of course._ L should have known better. Of course it was just simple biological reactions. Of course the attraction wasn't real. L had looked down at his feet and began the self deprecation before he realized that he was listening to the ragged breath of Light. And then his chin was being touched by a soft hand, his eyes raised to meet the other's. He could not mistake the look he was being given. It was intensely pure, a face of desire. L felt as if he was melting under the intensity of his gaze, as though he would be incinerated on the spot. He could hear the heaving of the other man's chest, could see the flush across his skin and the erection pressing against his slacks. L found himself frozen on the spot, taking in the animalistic beauty of the man across from him. There were no lies, there was no hidden motive, no games or calculations. He was taken aback at how different Light looked now compared to his everyday facade of friendliness.

Suddenly, Light was on top of him, the momentum of his pressing against him causing a stumble. With a loud and uncomfortable thump they were on the floor. L ignored the pain in his back, instead focusing on the feeling of being straddled. There was no mistaking the condition the two were in, each slight movement causing their members to press and rub against each other, straining to be closer to one another. L could feel hands working their way under his sweater. _Under Light's sweater_ his inner voice interrupted. L shuddered to think of how bony he was, how skeletal he must feel to the other man. He was again distracted from his internal fears by the feeling of soft touches, of hands exploring upward, all the while under the intense gaze of Light. He could see hunger in those eyes, and he could feel a twitch in his penis at the thought of being consumed by him. It was apparent that the other man had felt this as well. Light had bent down again, once more meeting L's lips, though with more ferocity than before. L could feel himself being devoured, and he was more than okay with this. He allowed himself to be taken over, allowed Light to press his body close to his own, to feel the slight movement of his hips pressing against him, to taste the bitterness of his mouth. L felt his eyes closing and soft moans escape him as Light's touch against his chest became more heated, playing over his nipples and gently teasing them before moving up to his neck. L had never been touched like this, and felt that if things continued as they were he would soon be pushed over the edge. L attempted to push back against Light's chest but couldn't manage to find a place for his hands, and instead gave up resistance.

A loud crash resounded through the apartment, followed by darkness. L panicked for a moment, thinking that he truly had been dreaming and this was him waking up. He then realized that the storm must have taken out the power. Light froze, pulling his face back slightly. L could feel his breath heavy against him, and became even more aware of just how close they were. They were chest to chest, groin to groin, face to face.

"Fuck."

Light's word cut through the darkness, and L could understand that this word spoke about everything, the situation they were currently in, the darkness, the tension between them. And L couldn't agree more.


End file.
